Category Archives: Writing

Brilliant Advice for any Creative Endeavor

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I have a board on Pinterest for Writing stuff. It is fairly empty, because I don’t find a whole lot of pictures that really convey good writing advice. Maybe I am not looking in the right places though, because the pin above is one of the greatest pieces of advice I have ever seen.

This gets exactly at my problem with fiction writing for sure. I write stuff, I re-read it, maybe I even do some editing and re-read again, and then I begin to despair. My stuff is so bad! Objectively, I know it isn’t totally terrible, but it certainly isn’t good. I also know that continuing to work and practice and learn the craft is the only way to get any better, but it is hard to keep that in mind when I am feeling that despair. It begins to feel like the time and effort is pointless.

The crazy thing is, I am not like this with other things. When I started playing racquetball, I was terrible. I am significantly better now, but since I was so terrible to begin with, I am still pretty bad at it. This does not diminish my enjoyment of the game in any way. I am getting exercise and learning how to do better, it is a really fun game, and that is enough.

In fact, I make it a practice to learn new things often, in part just to demonstrate this concept to my kids (and incidentally to myself). I want my kids to see me doing something I am no good at and then see me keep working on it until I get better. Kids sometimes think that things should be easy when they see their parents and other adults doing things relatively easily all the time. They weren’t around when we were making mistakes and learning, so they don’t realize how much work went into those accomplishments. My kids are pretty smart, too, which almost makes it worse–there are many school activities that come easily to them, so when things are difficult it is even more uncomfortable for them, and they sometimes want to give up quickly.

When things are hard for them, I always tell them there is only one way to get better–keep trying. I also remind them that it is not surprising that they aren’t very good at something they just started doing. And, I encourage them to continue adding difficulty when they master a level of any given activity. I am encouraging and supportive. Most of the time, when I am learning new things myself, I model the behavior I would like to see them adopt–I don’t get upset, I look at what I did wrong and how I can make improvements, and I keep going.

I need to start applying this to fiction writing, which is something I have always wanted to do, since I was very young–practically before I could actually write at all. I have written about reframing my perspective on ongoing tasks here before (Practice, Learning to Love the Process), but I need to make a concerted effort to apply it in this area. If I keep the quote above in mind, I can then apply the skills of practicing without a huge attachment to the end result, and focus on incremental improvement. I am thinking about printing it out, framing it, and placing it on my desk for a constant reminder.

Now I just need to set up some goals, make this kind of writing a habit, and start churning out that work. Of course, for the work to be meaningful, I need to make sure I am editing and working on improvement, not just putting words on a page, but that is not something I have trouble doing. The initial words on the page, or writing more than a page or so at a time is what is hard. So, I think I need to start with just getting work done, and not worry yet about volume. If I am writing fiction at all, it is success. After a while of this, I will surely gain confidence and be able to increase this goal.

Energy Management

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For the last few years, my company has presented a series of seminars for low-level managers to increase our leadership skills. Really, they are a combination of a forum for senior management to make sure we are all on the same page.and seminars from outside consultants. The senior management messages are generally interesting, and it is good to get a window into what our senior management is thinking, the seminars are what make the whole thing amazing.

Last year, Dr. Jack Groppel spoke to us for the first time (he came back this year) and he actually came to my location in St. Louis, so I got to see him in person. This may sound incredibly cheesy, but I don’t care: that talk literally changed my life, both at work and home.

The crux of the Corporate Athlete premise that he presented that day is that managing your energy levels is the key to productivity in anything that you do. This means physical energy of course, but also mental, emotional and spiritual energy. So, I am trying to stand up once every hour at least and do as much exercise and healthy eating as I can to maintain my physical energy, but I also have to work on those other areas for optimal engagement with what I do.

An exercise we did in that first seminar was focused on changing the stories we tell ourselves. The structure of the worksheet was basically “I would like to do ( x ). I don’t because ( y ) But the truth is ( z ).” A simplified example would be “I’d like to write more, but I don’t because I don’t have time, and anyway I would be terrible at it. Buy the truth is, I am not a terrible writer, and I can get better through practice. Plus, I could definitely watch less TV.”

The first thing I did after that seminar was spend some time figuring out what I would actually like to do with my time, starting with a more fleshed out version of that example above. I like my job, but I was most concerned about my out of work time–I felt that I was not spending that time wisely, using most of my energy at work. I made goals and started to look a how to make progress toward those goals. I started writing for GamingAngels, to give myself a wider outlet for my writing, and I started posting more here. I also decided I didn’t want to give up TV entirely, but in order to earn TV time, I had to do something else at the same time, usually either exercise or some form of crafting. That way the time felt a bit more useful to me.

In order to fit more into my personal time, I needed to do that energy management thing. I started on my quest with the fitbit not too long after that seminar, and I found that it really did help. I was a bit more tired at first, but that actually helped, too, because I slept better at night, and I quickly found I had more energy. I got better about planning time with friends and family, too, in order to keep my emotional energy up.

As I worked on these things, I found that I did get more done, and the benefits also spilled over to my work. My work life hadn’t been in as bad shape as my personal time–that was where I was using most of my energy–but the extra energy helped take my work from decent to pretty good. There are still stressors, but somehow they don’t seem quite so difficult to overcome.

Lately, I have found myself spending too much time playing fairly mindless games on Facebook, which is a pretty sure sign I am letting my energy flag. I am still getting more done than I did before I started working on these things, but less than I was when I was more on top of things. I clearly have some work to do now. Oddly, I find that letting my writing slip is draining my energy more than actually doing the writing does. I would have thought of writing as something that takes energy, which is true enough in a way, but it obviously provides energy in other ways.

How do you manage your energy and get things done?

After a small blip…

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In keeping with the theme of this month’s NaBloPoMo, Jump, when a friend asked if I wanted to try playing racquetball with her, I jumped right in. I had never played before, and despite my months with the fitbit, I wasn’t sure I was really fit enough for the game. There is only one way to get better, though, so I met her at the Y and started learning the game.

Jump fits here both figuratively–jumping into a sport I had never attempted–and literally. There is a lot of jumping to try to hit that ball! This is where the new activity came to conflict with the daily blog posting–all that jumping and running and hitting is exhausting. I did write every day this week, but I didn’t get something here each day. Tuesday, I worked on my book review for GamingAngels, worked a full day, then went off to play racquetball. Then, I came home, took a shower and died. Well, obviously not literally died, but it sure felt like it.

Yesterday I finished my book review and then wallowed in the self-pity of breaking a goal–I am a failure, there is no way I can post every day in June when I already missed a day, etc. etc. Today I am picking myself up and diving back in anyway. I am doing it early, too, since I am scheduled to play racquetball again tonight.

This will get easier, right?

Jumping in again

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The theme for BlogHer’s June NaBloPoMo is Jump, which is perfect for me right at this moment. I mentioned starting a daily writing habit in my Summer Goals post, but it wasn’t a very structured goal. Saying I will start a daily writing habit is not the same as making a plan that can actually be followed.

Last November, I did the official NaBloPoMo, and it really did help with the discipline. It even carried over some–I didn’t post every day in December but I did write 14 posts here, plus a couple of posts at GamingAngels, which I think is pretty impressive for such a busy month. Things have tapered off since then, however.

So, I am jumping in to post every day here. I need specific goals with freedom, so I am getting specific with “Post something every day” but I am keeping things open-ended by not imposing a specific topic on each day. I do want to do something with short fiction of some sort, though, because that is what I want to do the most, and it is also what scares me the most. That will be my task for tomorrow, jumping right in the deep end.

Summer Goals

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Today is the first day of summer vacation for my children. I still have to work, of course, but they have lots of free time on the horizon. Today I left them asleep while I headed off to work, and I didn’t give them any directions for the day. It is the first day of their vacation, they should decompress, relax and enjoy it. Especially since things will be changing soon.

Last summer, my kids spent so much time watching television, I had to prompt them to reply to anything I said.
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“I am really here in the room, not on TV entertaining you! Answer me! Have a conversation.” This year, I have vowed that things will be different. The TV will not be the primary form of passing the time. They will use their brains and their bodies for more than holding the couch down and watching other people far away do interesting things.

This is not the first time I have tried to get them to watch less tv. I work at home two days per week, but I am in the office the other three, and in the past, this has translated to at least three days per week of almost constant TV watching. To counteract that to some extent, I have decided that this year there will be goals in 4 areas:

  • Reading
  • Writing
  • Physical fitness
  • Science

The girl also needs to start thinking about a service project. She is entering high school in the fall, and she needs to start thinking about building her record for college applications. Plus, we need to do something to show her that the fact that I don’t buy her everything she wants as soon as she wants it does not mean she is disadvantaged, ;) .

I broke the news to the kids over brunch this past Sunday. They were not impressed. They became a little more enthusiastic when I said that they could choose their own goals (although I have to approve–they must be an actual stretch). So far, the girl has decided to learn to play golf with my dad, and the boy has decided to finish a story about dragons who live in the sewer system he is writing with his best friend. They are still thinking about the remaining goals.

For the science goal, I have decided we will do one science experiment per week as a family, so they don’t need to come up with a separate goal for that. They can find something they would like to do, or I can come up with one, but ev

eryone has to participate. Also, to make this whole thing slightly more fun for them and less heartless, I bought the family pool passes. If they are at the pool, they are doing at least some moving around, and they won’t be watching TV.

As for me, I am making a few goals as well.

  • Writing: Establish a daily writing habit. I need to post more regularly here and at Gaming Angels. I am also working with a friend to start a crocheting blog for her new business. And I keep saying I write fiction, or at least I want to write fiction, but not doing any writing. It is time to change that. Oh, and here of course.
  • Physical fitness: Since I got the FitBit, I definitely exercise more. I take more steps, and I am less sedentary. I could do better, though. For the past 30 days, my average number of steps is 5,612–not terrible, but I can definitely improve. I want to be consistently at 7,500 per day by the end of the summer. I know 10,000 is the usual goal, but I want to try to get there a bit more gradually; once I have mastered 7,500 consistently, I will raise the goal again. I also want to make sure my total active time for each day (lightly active, fairly active, very active) totals at least 4 hours every day, with at least 1 ½ hours in fairly or very active.
  • Crafting: I am substituting this for science, since that is covered in the family goal, and I have a ton of crafting projects I want to do. For now, I will be relatively modest in my goals: 5 crochet projects and 5 non-crochet projectscompleted before school starts for the kids on 8/14. 

You may have noticed I didn’t put a reading goal in there; I am not sure what to do. I already read a lot, and I don’t have a lot of spare time to devote to reading more. All those goals up there will take a lot of my time spent not working, eating or sleeping! I am still thinking about this one. I haven’t made the kids finalize their goals yet, after all, why should I be done with mine?

Do you do summer goals? Or is it all loose and easy at your house?

Update on My Vacation List

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A couple of weeks ago, I made a long list of things I would like to get done by 1/3/12. My vacation was actually from December 17th through the 26th, but I wanted to give myself a bit of extra time to get things done. My kids are at their dad’s this week, and I have the long weekend still to get a few more things done. I am glad, too, because while I did get a lot of things done, there are a lot left to do.

Items that are complete

  • Finish a crafting project for the kids–1 project x 3; my two children plus their little brother–this was the 3 tied fleece blankets
  • Make magnets to give as gifts
  • Hang out with my friend Andrea–twice!
  • Buy clementines for the 4th grade class party
  • Help out on the day of the party
  • Declutter my dining room (again)
    • Organize desk–technically, I just shoved most of the stop on top of the desk down on the shelves, but it does look a lot better…
    • Clear off buffet
    • Clear off table
    • Clear off tray
  • Finish last minute Christmas shopping
  • Host my family for Christmas Eve
  • Finish decorating the Christmas tree
  • Wrap presents


Things I did a bit of work on, but did not complete

  • Post here 3 times per week–actually, if you count the weekly fitbit stats that were auto-posted the first week, I did this one (and I did three actual posts this week, four counting this one!)
  • Help the girl clean out the kitchen–the kitchen looks much better, but still needs some decluttering on the table
  • Catch up on Gaming Angels work–I did write a post and do a bit of editing, but not caught up yet
  • Hit 10,000 steps on my pedometer every day (starting today–I only made it to 8727 yesterday)–I did pretty good on this except for a couple of days; I only topped 10,000 steps 3 days, but I was over 9,000 on six additional days
  • Have the children clean their rooms–the girl did go in and do a (very) small amount of cleaning, but there is more work for her to do


Things I haven’t done that are definitely on the list for this weekend

  • Finish statistics on gender breakdown of nominees and winners of Hugo Awards for Broad Universe
  • Get back to that fiction project I abandoned a few months ago–I have done a bit of thinking about this; I want to do some diagramming, maybe one of those cluster diagrams, to get some ideas straight
  • Develop a good writing routine–I am not talking about a writing habit, but a routine that puts me in the writing mode; I probably won’t get this entirely done this weekend, but I want to think about it a bit
  • Finish crocheting a hat for my daughter (she already knows about this one)
  • Declutter the bookshelves in the living room
  • Take the kids to see the Winter Wonderland lights–this is still a bit iffy, but we could try for Sunday night


Things that probably won’t get done (although who knows, it could happen!)

  • Do a little bit of baking/candy making
  • Put together the shelves I bought for my closet something like 6 months ago
I also did some things that weren’t on the list, like a lot of laundry, some vacuuming and carpet cleaning, and hanging out with the kiddoes, but I am trying to focus a bit more on what I had planned this time.

What did you get done over the holidays? Are you ready for the new year?

Versatile Blogger Award

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A few weeks ago, Rae from ChiSpeak, nominated me for the Versatile Blog Award. I am so honored, because she is an awesome writer. Thank you, Rae!Definitely go check out her blog; if she didn’t already have this award, I would be nominating her for sure.I am particularly honored because I am the only person that Rae nominated. Of course, that is partly for the same reason I have put off writing this post–so many blogs are focused on one topic. I didn’t think I would be able to come up with very many blogs to nominate myself. I had an easier time than I thought I would though. I didn’t come up with 15, but here are 8 great blogs that are definitely worth your reading time:

1. In Mandyland – I found this one through crafting, I think, but I love reading all that Mandy has to say. She is going through a divorce and I can relate from when I was in that newly separated stage, but she is doing it with a lot more grace than I did, I have to say. Not that I was terrible, Mandy is just doing so well. Also: awesome crafty stuff
2. Wonder Woman I’m Not – I believe I found Liz through Menu Planning Monday, but her blog is so much more than that. She is doing a lot of the same things I am doing with my blog–trying to figure out how to fit everything into a busy life, all the things that need doing PLUS the things we want to do. Very inspirational!
3. Dark Side of the Fridge – This is the blog that is finally motivating me to take the plunge into 101 Things in 1001 Days. I have seen this on other blogs, but ToyLady makes it look so doable. For instance, when the original 1001 days passed and she hadn’t done all of the things, she just added 500 more days. Oh hey, that’s right–it’s her project, she can do it however she wants. I can do that!
4. The Omnium Gathering – This is a new blog, but check out this list of topics–Rachelle definitely has the idea of a versatile blog down! Her writing is beautiful, too; I look forward to seeing her blog grow.
5. 2 Girls. 2 Cats. 1 Big apple. – I found this blog through crafting links, and Lissa definitely has some beautiful knitting to share; when I get crocheting down and move to add knitting to my crafty repertoire, I will be coming here for ideas and tips. But she also has adorable cats and interesting musings on life in general, which make for some great reading.
6. Shakespeare I Ain’t – I found Cyndy when I was writing about the WSJ article on dark themes in YA–she had a great alternative view of the controversy. I didn’t entirely agree with everything she said, but I appreciated seeing another viewpoint that brought up a very real problem with finding a book recommendation for a particular kid. I find all of her writing to be nuanced in this way, and I love reading it!
7. Razing Mayhem – Monique recently joined our writing team at Gaming Angels, where she is a wonderful addition to the team, and I love her personal blog too. She has some very cute kids and wonderful photography skills.
8. Girl in a Cape – Jessi is another great addition to our Gaming Angels team, and a fantastic writer. She writes for a couple of other sites, too, so this personal blog is just that–personal. I love this kind of blog, really, where interesting people talk about their lives. Jessi does it very well.

Okay, now for 7 things about me:

1. I have the two best kids on the planet. Sorry, other parents.
2. I also have a pretty great dog, except that she is a chewer. We met her by surprise at an event where Stray Rescue was sitting out in front of Whole Foods with some of the dogs available for adoption. I wasn’t looking for a dog, and I didn’t decide I wanted A dog that day; I fell in love with THIS dog. Having a dog is just as big a pain in the @$$ as I thought it would be, but I do love her, so I am glad to have her.
3. I have ADHD, and I take medication for it. This has literally changed my life–I was doing okay before I started taking the medication, but since I have started it (generic Adderall, in case you are wondering), my life has improved in many ways–I get more done and I am far less anxious. Coping skills are helpful, but sometimes medication is necessary.
4. I want to live a simple life, but I find it hard to do sometimes. Where do you draw a line? I love technology, and I couldn’t imagine doing without it, but what is too much? Also, how do you distinguish between things that are unnecessary and things that reduce your stress by taking a bit of the load off of your back?
5. I always wanted to grow up to be a writer, but sometime in my mid-20s, I just stopped writing very much. There were many reasons, but once you stop, inertia makes it hard to start again. I started back up recently thanks to a conversation with my kids. They asked what I wanted to be when I grew up when I was a kid. When I said “A writer,” without any hesitation, they said “But you can still do that.” Wow, they are smart kids, :) .
6. I am tremendously proud of having bought my own house. That’s why I don’t know if I will ever be able to quit my day job and write full time; the mortgage is not cheap.
7. I am a feminist. This means two things to me–there shouldn’t be limits on what I can do because I am a woman, but also that traditionally female things are not inferior to traditionally male things. I definitely think there is a place for trailblazers in traditionally male pursuits like science and engineering, but I would like to see more value added to traditionally female pursuits. Like, painting portraits is art, because men have done it more, but quilting is “just” a craft. That’s just silly to me.

Versatile Blogger Award. The Rules:

If you are nominated, you’ve been awarded the Versatile Blogger award.
1. Thank the person who gave you this award. That’s common courtesy.
2. Include a link to their blog. That’s also common courtesy.
3. Select 15 blogs/bloggers that you’ve recently discovered or follow regularly.
4. Nominate those 15 bloggers for the Versatile Blogger Award
5. Finally, tell the person who nominated you 7 things about yourself.

Practice

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I have recently taken up crocheting again. I have taken up crocheting many times throughout my adult life, but never gotten very far, because I thought I should start by making something, and I didn’t like the way my projects looked. This time, I am trying a different approach. I am just practicing.

In my perfectionism, I have always thought I needed to be making something specific, and it needed to be beautiful. Of course, since I was new at it, my stitches were not beautiful. I mean, some of them were, but overall, I made very uneven efforts. After a few days of this, I would look at my work, think, “ No one will ever want to wear this scarf*!”, and give up again. This time, I am just practicing stitches. Who cares if they look bad or uneven? It’s just practice.

I don’t just have this problem with crocheting, either. I have it with nearly everything I do. I know that the only way to get better at anything is to keep doing it, over and over again, looking at the results and trying to improve. But I don’t like the practicing part. I want to jump right to the end, where (for instance), my house is perfectly organized, I make beautiful sweaters and afghans, and my writing is brilliant.

I have been working on the writing thing, too, posting both here and at gaminangels.com more often, but I want to get an even better routine. To challenge myself, I am signing up for National Blog Posting Month, or NaBloPoMo. This is going to be a stretch for me, as I don’t really have a daily writing routine, but that is the point of this exercise.

Creating a hard and fast schedule of post topics doesn’t really work well for me, but I do have some general guidelines I want to follow:

  • I do want to participate in Menu Plan Mondays at OrgJunkie–I’ve developed a good menu planning routine, and I want to keep that going
  • Some days, when I spend a lot of time working on a post for gaming angels, I will go ahead and post a quick pointer here for all the writing I am actually doing over there
  • Whenever I can, I am going to work ahead and schedule my posts rather than sitting here at the computer, staring at a blank screen with nothing to say

Obviously, these rules leave a lot of leeway, so who knows what we’ll see here! I will try to be interesting, but I could be writing about any number of topics, from current events to books to science fiction to family stories. I am interested to see what I want to write about when I am forced to do it regularly.

As for my crocheting, I will eventually move on to a project, probably another scarf, but I am working hard to enjoy the process. It is fun to look at my progress, where I have improved and what I still need to work on. The time I spend working on the stitches is very relaxing for me, and I am getting better.

* Yes, it was always a scarf, what else is so easy to start with? I suppose pot holders, but scarves provide more practice time, and I pictured myself wearing them out in public, with everyone asking me where I got that beautiful scarf. Then I would modestly admit that I made it myself and they would be amazed. Yeah, perfectionism.

Author Events: Harlan Coben

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Last Friday, my mother and I went to the St. Louis County Public library to see Harlan Coben speak. I have never actually read any of Coben’s books, but my mother was very excited, so it sounded like a great idea to me. And, after going to this talk I know I will be reading his stuff, which is good and bad–I love discovering new authors, but my stack of books to read is already so long!

I am excited about reading some of these books, but I am going to write now about the talk he gave, which was really interesting. He talked a lot about his writing process, which I found helpful. I have been struggling a bit getting this post written, though, because he talked about a lot of things I know that I should be doing, but I am just *not*.

A lot of the things that he said, I have seen in many places that offer writing advice. While the writing process is different from person to person in many ways, there are some aspects that are universal to successful writers. Obviously, the first one is the fact of sitting down and writing–in order to be a successful writer, you must sit down and write. That seems obvious to me, but it is repeated so often that it is clear that not everyone gets that. I do know what people mean when they give this advice, though–people who say they want to be writers often do very little actual writing.

Coben talked about this a bit when he was talking about his research process. He does very little research, in part because it is too easy to get lost in the research and use it as an excuse to not get on with the actual writing. As he says, only writing counts as writing. Research may sometimes be necessary, but it is not writing until you start putting pen to page or fingers to keyboard and start producing a story. He also talked about the risk of doing too much info-dump if you have done a lot of research, slowing down the story for things your readers really don’t care about. If you know a lot about a topic, especially if you learned it all specifically for the book you are writing, the temptation to use it all can be too great.

Of course, from the description he gave of his revision process, I suspect that wouldn’t be as big of a problem as he fears. He continually edits his work, starting his writing day with a review of what he wrote the day before, and printing out the book to date every fifty pages and editing the whole thing. By the time he finishes his first draft, he says, he has edited the first chapter something like 12 times. And that is just the first draft! Again this is advice I have seen many times–amateurs just write, professionals edit. That is practicing the craft of writing.To me, this seems like a useful way of going through a draft, because it helps to eliminate continuity errors while everything is still fresh in your head. I find that some distance can be helpful in editing, so that you can view your work with just a bit of detachment, and that is still necessary, but correcting errors while you still in the thick of things seems a bit easier than reading through a long story and keeping everything straight. I find it especially hard to catch that sort of error in my own writing, because I know what I mean, so I don’t always notice when I make a logical leap, or even an out and out contradiction of something I already said.

One thing he said that I found very encouraging, even though it sounds a bit discouraging at the same time–it doesn’t really get any easier to do this. I mean, in some ways, it does, in that your skills as a writer improve as you practice your craft, but he said he hasn’t gotten to a point where the ideas just flow, and he thinks he is good at this. In fact, he says if you go see a author and he says that he a good writer and his stuff is great, don’t even read his stuff, he has lost his edge. It is the self-doubt that drives a writer to improve and make their prose the best they can make it. He thinks, every time he finishes a book, “That’s it. You are out of ideas.” He still reads his stuff and sees a typo or a bad sentence that he wants to change. In fact, I am pretty sure he said he doesn’t read his stuff once it is published because of this.

I find this encouraging, because then I don’t have to think it is hard for me because I am just bad. It is hard work, period, no matter how much skill and practice you have under your belt. Many things are bad to start with and that is not a sign you can’t write, just a sign that you need to keep working.

To be fair to myself, I do apply a lot of this advice to my writing for gamingangels.com. It’s my fiction writing that I am failing at, and at the most basic level: I rarely do any fiction writing at all. I think about the stories, and even come up with some useful ideas or bits of plot, but beyond making a note of those bits and pieces, I don’t do anything with them. I need to come up with a better way to force my way through the fear that what I write will be terrible and actually get started. I mean, of course what I write will be terrible, but that doesn’t mean it can‘t be salvaged through good editing, right?

How to get myself to do this, though, I am not sure. I need a better routine, sure, and I have been good about adjusting my routine to include more writing time. I just use it all up on blog writing. I don’t want to give up blog writing, because I find it very useful in many ways, but I don’t want it to be the only thing I do. Obviously, I still have a lot of thinking to do about this, but I do find it helpful to think out the problem. Now that I have set my brain on this problem, I am sure to come up with some ideas that I can actually implement. A word count goal is not enough–I did that, and even met the goal for a couple of weeks, but then I just stopped. I need to find some way to compel myself to meet that goal.

Dinner time is story time

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“Tell us a story,” my son begs. “Tell us the ‘He kissed me!’ story!”

 

This, or some variation of the question, comes up nearly every time we sit at the table for a meal. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, no matter who is at the table with us. Many a teenage girl invited over by my daughter for dinner, or an adult guest invited by me, has had to sit through story after story about my children’s earlier lives, or about my brother and me when we were young.

 

I have told these stories many times, and the kids know them by heart, but it still has to be me telling them for some reason. When they ask, I say, “But you know that story!” They don’t care, they want to hear it again. Once I start a story, get into the rhythm of it, I find I don’t really mind the repetition as much as I thought I would. After I’ve told a few of their favorite stories, or all the stories we can think of, depending on the night, they will sometimes ask me for a new story.

“What kind of story?” I ask.

“A funny story!” Gee, that’s not much to go on, kiddoes. I tell them that it doesn’t work like that, I can’t just come up with things out of nowhere, they have to pay attention to what is happening and remember. Sometimes an old story will sneak up on us, in the middle of some other conversation. The kids love it when this happens. We will be talking and suddenly I’ll say, “Hey, that’s just like when you were little, you used to do that all the time.” Their eyes will gleam, and they will grin in anticipation. “Tell us the story!” I know I had better get it right, too, because if I vary the story in the future, they will correct me.

When we have guests over, I worry that this will be boring to them, especially if this is not the first time they have been at our house and been subjected to story time. So, sometimes, I will ask guests to supply their own family stories. Sometimes people will tell us a few of their own family legends, which I love to hear. Family stories are so universal in one sense, and yet so very particular to the family in question. I find it fascinating to see how other families interact, and how individuals react in a given situation.

But I am surprised how many people say that they don’t have stories like that. I think they do, they just don’t realize it. They don’t sit at the dinner table, hearing the same rehearsed stories, the old favorites. They only hear them at special family gatherings, or by accident, in those surprise conversations. They aren’t storing them up, like my kids do, to ask to hear them again later. And again, and again, and again.

I am a big believer in the power of stories. Stories hold our lives together, whether they are beloved books or just the stories we tell ourselves to get through the day. But the shared stories of a family are special. They are both shared and separate. They bind a family together into a community while holding them separate from everyone else. They create a space where a group of people occupy the same world, in ways that they don’t always in day to day life. During the day, I go to work, my kids go to their separate schools, and we interact with our own friends, acquaintances, co-workers, teachers, peers. When we come to the dinner table and tell our stories, we are together and all those other people, the other worlds we inhabit, are on the outside; we are together in the story world. One of the best parts is that we can create this world with whomever we like. We have stories that involve our close friends, and of course, our extended family. Even sharing our own stories about just us lets those we love into our special world, if only for an evening.

The ‘He Kissed Me!’ story, in case you are wondering, goes like this: One day, when my brother David and I were about 11 and 12 (he is the annoying little brother, natch), we were walking home from school, and he really wanted me to talk to him. For some reason, probably because he was the most annoying brother ever born, I didn’t want to talk to him, so I refused to speak. He said more and more ridiculous things, trying to get me to talk, but I held firm and said nothing. He put his arms around me and, as much as I could, I continued walking as if he wasn’t even there. As we crossed a side street, he escalated to kissing me on the cheek! I was furious! I pushed him so hard, he ended up sitting there in the middle of the street, and I ran the rest of the way home.

I ran uphill a couple of blocks to the really busy street, then down the alley to our house and tore into the house, where my mother was standing at the kitchen sink, washing dishes. As I came in the door, I roared in my most indignant voice, “He kissed me!” My mother, shocked and very worried, stopped what she was doing, and ran over to me, putting her still soapy hands on my arms to focus my attention and calm me down.

“Who?” she asked frantically, “Who kissed you?”

“David.” This, still in the roaring voice, as I glared at her in horror and fury. At this point, my mother made one of those odd faces where she looked like she was trying really hard not to swallow her tongue. Or maybe like she was trying to swallow her tongue, to stop the laughter.

“It is not funny,” I said, quellingly, glaring disgustedly at her now.

“No, baby,” she said, still struggling with her tongue.

About this time, David comes sauntering in the house, looking as smug as it is possible for an 11 year old boy to look, and I stomped off to my room. Doesn’t he sound annoying? That’s really all you need to know about my brother. He is 40 now, and not much different. Well, okay, he is different. But he is still my annoying little brother, no matter what he does (or how tall he is–at 6’5”, my brother is a giant actually; I still call him my little brother, because it still annoys him, ;) ).

Isn’t that a great story?